Shit just got real

I’m still processing things, but my freedoms were absolutely violated this evening and my core beliefs and civil rights completely disregarded.

My biggest challenge is determining what’s my fight and what’s not.

And yet, I know that “fighting” is not the solution, it’s part of the problem.

I’m not interested in getting caught up in the drama or the petty stuff.

I want to know where I can make the greatest impact.

I want to know how I can serve the most people.

I want to know what’s most meaningful.

I want to pull the string that unravels everything – not from an egoic place, but from a place of efficiency.

I’m being more methodical because I don’t agree with the way many people are opposing what’s going on. I don’t think it’s helpful to operate from heated emotions and your mental body and I believe their energy is being directed at the wrong people. 

But I’m willing to be wrong about that.

From what I’m seeing it’s not effective, and yet, I don’t have a solution to offer yet.

It’s frustrating because I don’t have a “green light,” I’m stuck on a yellow. So I stay put.

I’ve been patiently waiting for a sign. Could this be it? Or was this incident simply serving to show me where I still need to do some work? 

My mind – my protective personality – wants to lash out. I’m aware that I have a very feisty side that I’m in the process of taming.

My higher self knows better.

Mother Theresa knew to walk for peace – not fight for war.

I’m no Mother Theresa, but I can say that being on this spiritual path can be very confusing at times – even after 10 years I still feel like such a newbie at times.

It’s like having one foot in two different canoes – the physical and the spiritual.

On one hand, my higher self knows that everything is happening for me, everything is serving me and there is a much bigger plan in play… and that all of this is just an Illusion.

But my ego wants to fight.

So I breathe deeply and tame the beast, knowing that she’ll likely be useful later, just not today.

It’s crazy, because you just don’t know how committed you are to something – or how passionate you are – until you are faced with it head on. My whole body ached, I felt sick, I cried, I was overwhelmed, I was mortified, I felt like I was about to hyper ventilate; I had to keep focusing on my breath and tapping, just to get through. 

Perhaps dramatic, but somehow I wasn’t prepared for this. I think I was in shock that things had escalated this quickly – that it was finally in my “own backyard.” 

My head is still spinning. I’m emotionally exhausted right now.

Why are people not asking better questions? 

Why are people just going along with this? 

Why are people not thinking for themselves?

Do people not understand the long term consequences of their choices?

Was this my wake up call? 

Where do I go from here?

Ok, enough venting.

I need to get grounded, properly process these feelings – take it to the body, build the circuits – and get to work.

“Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? What would you have me say and to whom?”